Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike guesses exactly one person will appreciate the last gag
Fri Jun 03, 2005 at 08:49:54 pm EDT
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Visionary Week Continues
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“Spit Balling (Little Bits of Ultron)”



One of the voices in Killer Shrike’s head: (excitedly) …. OK, so after we do the Carl’s Jr. parody with Jenni Wooster in the Paris Hilton role…

The other voice in Killer Shrike’s head: (nodding thoughtfully) Good. Very topical.

The first voice in Killer Shrike’s head, hereafter known as Voice #1:… so after that, and Visionary’s second heart attack, we go to a second parody.

The other voice in Killer Shrike’s head, hereafter known as Voice #2: Which would be?

Voice #1: (triumphantly) Rear Window.

Voice #2: (suddenly unsure) Ah…

Voice #1: (undeterred) Think about it. He’s an invalid, with nothing to do. So he whips out the Bautistamatic X-Ray Telescope Fleabot gives him for bird watching, but instead of looking at shore birds-

Voice #2: (interrupting) That’s a good place to reference the Bearded Plover from Mr. Epitome #23.

Voice #1: I’d rather not mention anything that requires awareness of past continuity or even hints at a crossover: don’t want to confuse the newbies or scare away the Underworld crowd.

Voice #2: (shrugging) Fair enough.

Voice #1: (getting back to his pitch) – so he’s scanning the buildings across Paradopolis Sound, when he focuses on one apartment and he sees (pauses dramatically)… a MURDER.

Voice #2: (catching on) But he can’t prove it’s a murder.

Voice #1: Right. So we get scenes where Vizh is frantically trying to convince, say, Hatman, that a crime has taken place, but can’t, so he sends Miiri over to the killer’s house to investigate when he’s out, but then he comes back while Miiri is still inside and Visionary can’t warn her so we see him crawling across the floor of the Lair Mansion trying to get there in time before the killer finds her and –

Voice #2: ……

Voice #1: (coming down from his story euphoria) You don’t like it.

Voice #2: Well, it just… strains credibility a little bit. How come Hatman doesn’t believe Vizh? Why use Miiri, the green nearly naked alien, to do undercover work, when Visionary could call on Fleabot or Hallie, who could conceal themselves from the killer, or Asil, who could just kick the killer’s @ss if he finds her?

Voice #1: (pouting) You’re overthinking it.

Voice #2: No, it’s just stupid.

Voice #1: (still with the sour puss) OK, what’s your brilliant idea?

Voice #2: (sagely) I think we should play it safe and follow the current trends on the board.

Voice #1: We can’t do a Star Wars parody. We haven’t seen it yet.

Voice #2: Not that.

Voice #1: (growing horrified) Not another girlfriend!?!?

Voice #2: No!!! (calming himself) I mean, we should take a cue from DBS and parody a Vision plot from the comics.

Voice #1: (ponders for a moment) Yes. That’s not a bad idea. But which one?

Voice #2: We can’t have him torn in half. That wound’s still fresh, methinks.

Voice #1: (dejected) Yeah, and Ian already did that in Untold Tales. Howabout we bleach his skin and leave him naked and have him wander around the mansion acting cold and emotionless?

Voice #2: I can understand the cold part, but why would he be emotionless? I’d be exhibiting plenty of emotion if someone tried to give me the Michael Jackson treatment. We could do a story where a crystal in his brain alters his personality to take over the world’s computer systems!

Voice #1: (lectures) That presupposes he has a crystal, a brain, and a personality. (pauses) Oh, wait, I’ve got it! I’ve got it!!

Voice #2: (growing excited) Yeah? What?

Voice #1: (smug and rubbing his hands together) The perfect parody of the most iconic Vision moment of all….



**********


It was dark and cold in dungeon cell. Dark and cold as the grave.

“Are you comfortable, Visionary?” the Mad Tinkerer asked his seated and bound captive.

“Well, it’s awfully dark. And cold. And these ropes are very chafing. So… I’m going to answer no.”

The evil genius chuckled softly, “Perhaps then, you are now inclined to reveal to me the secrets of the Lair Legion?”

Visionary made as brave a face a powerless, clueless, freezing, visually impaired, tied up possibly fake man could make, “Never.”

More chuckling, “A pity.”

The Mad Tinkerer thumbed the remote he was carrying. The television came to life, bathing the tiny room with its life-affirming cathode rays.

OK, one problem solved. At least I can see now, Visionary thought to himself., before twisting his neck back to get his first good look at his captor.

One glance at the wild-haired, google-eyed, sway-backed misanthrope in the medical scrubs made Vizh wish the lights were back off.

“You’ve got something, ah, stuck in your teeth there. Spinach maybe?” he noted helpfully.

The Mad Tinkerer’s response was to snap a Halo Brace down on Visionary, forcing him to stare directly at the television screen. Copious strips of duct tape were employed to curtail any use of the Legionnaire’s eyelids.

“I wish it hadn’t come to this. Really. Torturing prisoners for information has lost so much of its luster in recent years.”

“Torture?!” Visionary squeaked.

The remote was pressed again, activating the Tinkerer’s VCR, “Yes. For you see, hero, I have on this tape what may be the most horrid, soul-crushing visuals one such as yourself have ever witnessed.”

“Its not Enormous Irma doing jumping jacks is it? Because Josh already goofed on her.”

“No, this is far worse,” the Mad Tinkerer grimly pressed Play,“Prepared to be subjected to an endless loop of the last six seconds of the 2004 Rose Bowl, Visionary!!”

“NNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”


Not To be Continued





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